mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
