nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
