awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
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