I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
