could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
