The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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