i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
