I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
she smelled like a LAN party
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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