new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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