Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Randomize
