He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Someone came in the potted fern
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
