i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
