Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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