so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I had to cum in my sink.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
