I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
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