I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
