note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
