Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
there is puke in my bra ... again
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
