I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I need a hoe opinion
go on
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