my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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