My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
