i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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