Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
