I just saw a hot homeless man
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
