it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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