I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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