I bet he comes in French.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Found your dick twin last night
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize
