i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
