i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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