I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Randomize
