you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
