...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Randomize
