Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
i believe in u and ur pee
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
