Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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