I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
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