So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Randomize
