drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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