I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
