bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
