Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
