Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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