Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I have aggressive nipples.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
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