You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Randomize
