Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
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