All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
She told me I should be a condom model.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
