I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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