woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
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