You think ghandi was good in the sack? cuz i sure do.
I'm not gay.
Soooo you want ghandi? is that what your telling me?
If ghandi gives good head...I'm in
Its fine.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
