no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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