I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I just want to make out with him forever
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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