remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
