Yo dont text me then not text me
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
